15 posts tagged “top ten”
Funny Top 10 lists are wildly popular… We discovered this in a list of 10 Things that are Wildly Popular.
We started our site to follow on in the path laid down by our first book, a humorous collection of drinking-related feats of grandeur called The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin), but soon branched out into lists, some of which, like our Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time, had never been attempted before.
The ones that we’ve run on this site have brought us thousands upon thousands of eyeballs, like some grotesque Dali painting; so, to meet everyone’s needs, like a brothel in a Walmart, we decided to offer a one stop shop for each and every one of our lists, just in case you might have missed a few (if you have, you needn’t worry. Much like if you missed a day for your prescription meds, you can double up on the dose to catch up).
Here is a collection of our most recent lists so that our readers can mosey up to the drive-thru window and remark upon just how much free entertainment we’ve brought you over the years (if you’re feeling especially generous, we are happy to accept gifts provided we don’t have to pay the postage—so what we’re saying is, cash is preferred).
So, in no particular order, we present to you our fave Top 10 Lists (we realize some of these lists may not involve 10 items, but for every one that comes in under that number, we’ve got several that go well over so at the very least, they AVERAGE ten and besides, this is not an express check out line at the supermarket).
“The subway, unless you’re stuffed into one in Japan by a cop mime, provides relative comfort. A gauge of a city’s sophistication (unless it’s Cleveland), there are 15 cities in North America with light rail/subway systems, and we’ve had the opportunity to try out four of them and on only two occasions, saw someone urinating on a platform—which are pretty good odds, all things considered, given the relatively small circumference of a drunk’s indiscriminate pissing.” [click for more]
“Astrology adherents believe we all fall into one of 12 basic character groups depending on the alignment of the stars at the time we made our screaming, messy debuts in this world. In a bid to get people to cough up more than the cost of their newspapers, astrologers are capable of complicating this basic setup with a cosmic breakdown of exactly where the universe was at when you were born with moons waxing and waning and more stars going into their ascendancy than after a no-tell weekend at a Hollywood producer’s house.” [click for more]
“The French poet Jacques Prevert (and no, that is not a typo; he apparently got there ahead of the perverts), once said: “Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents, never allowed into contact with those not sufficiently prepared. Yes, art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.” Well these are unchaste works that came into contact with many people who were not sufficiently prepared; most of these would probably have even drawn a “Sacre Bleu!” from Prevert himself.” [click for more]
“We are big fans of Kitchen Nightmares, not the kind that wake you up sweating through the sheets and reaching for antacids (what would likely transpire after a repast prepared by either of us) but the Chef Gordon Ramsay reality show.” [click for more]
“Please memorize every single one of these rules and never forget them. They will make your elevator-riding experience shorter and more enjoyable. Also your fellow elevator passengers will not despise you with every fiber of their being.”[click for more]
“The economy is in the commode. Those who still have jobs are dropping from ulcers as they think of reasons to justify their exclusion from the next purge. Cardiac surgeons are clocking overtime like hookers at Mardi Gras, but there’s one group, who, if you were to take a sample member and measure his pulse it would read, “Dude…”These are your stay-at-home bums.” [click for more]
“Just when you thought it was safe to venture into the barn again,
after Bessie’s ozone layer destroying farts and Mad Cow disease, along
comes the swine flu – the latest assault on humanity perpetrated by a
creature most commonly seen on breakfast plates.” [click for more]
In The Bucket List, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson get out the blue box which has been attracting flies and recycle every character the duo have ever played in the last twenty years: the kindly, patriarchal, advice-dispensing gentleman and the cantankerous, wise-cracking cacker.
When diagnosed with terminal cancer, the twosome, sensing the scythed one is pulling into the driveway, decide to fulfill an ultimate ‘to do’ list. This appalling film, which might’ve put the careers of these two gentlemen into the earth as well, luckily, failed to make a dent in people’s enjoyment of lists of all stripes (the old advice-dispensing patriarchal black gentleman would certainly fit into a Top 20 Movie Clichés list). This is a good thing, as we’ve spent an inordinate amount of time writing Top This and That lists and would hate to think all that hard work might have been better spent doing something more socially constructive-organizing a parade or signing a petition to curb parade noise.
Since launching The Shark Guys in October of 2007, hot on the heels of our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, we’ve arranged a good number of these hierarchies for your reading pleasure. These initially adhered to our book’s theme, drinking, such as our Top 10 ‘Bar’ Songs of All Time, but gradually branched into other areas as well. For those of you who haven’t suffered some kind of left-hemisphere trauma, you’ll note that some of these lists are reproduced in our site’s right column, but not all, so we figured we’d remedy that here. Now, as luck would have it, as of August 08, we’ve done 10 lists such lists. So here are our Top 10 List.
Top 10 ‘Bar’ Songs
We recognize that these songs played in bars make an important
contribution to one’s elbow-tilting atmosphere, however, we reckon that
enough attention has been paid to every one of them. What we’d like to
focus on instead are songs that are actually set in bars. The writers
of these songs, for the most part, were the sort who followed the
advice of “Write what you know”; they looked around, saw that they were
in a bar and wrote the following. [click here for more]
Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time
Hollywood, not surprisingly, has introduced us to some truly memorable
drunks – think Billy Bob Thornton in “Bad Santa”, or, far creepier and
more likely to cause you to wake yourself up screaming, Gary Busey in
“Carny”. But what of the men and women on the other side of the bar,
patiently stomaching the hero’s bravado and slinging the drinks that
fuel his adventures? [click here for more]
Top 10 Jesus Sightings of All Time
An English pub drinker had a religious experience of sorts recently.
The Daily Mail reported on how a taxi driver ordered a bottle of cider
and “got goose pimples” when the waitress opened it and staring back at
him from the foil on the neck was the face of Christ himself. “His
appearance at the British pub was only the latest stop on an unorthodox
tour; the Nazarene has popped in for a visit via some unlikely, and
occasionally delicious, places over the past few decades. [click here for more]
25 Horrible Bands Named after Places
Much like hypertension or obesity are predictors for cardiovascular
disease, geography is a measure for determining whether a band’s music
will make you want to cover your ears. Before you pen a terse letter to
your city councillor, we’re not referring specifically to where a band
might be from, but one whose name is geographic in origin. [click here for more]
Lists
are wildly popular. Whether they’re to-do lists, celebrities you’d
sleep with if their publicist wasn’t looking, no-fly lists, hit lists,
laundry lists or disabled lists (roll calls backstage at the Jerry
Lewis Telethon), lists are undoubtedly popular. You might have noticed
we’ve devoted an inordinate amount of time to lists on the site, time
that could’ve been spent doing something more productive—organizing a
parade or launching a petition to curb parade noise.
The lists we’ve compiled here are not Seven US Presidents who Had Clubbed Feet or the Largest Living Reptiles Who’ll Eat your Pets if You’re Not Careful—you know, those yellowing almanacs you flip through when you’re depositing the last remnants of Larry’s House of Refried Beans into a basement commode. Instead, like a coin laundry cycle, we’ve put our own spin on various lists, the vast majority of which have never been done before (and if they have, well, ideas cannot be copyrighted only their expression so those people are shit out of luck).
In keeping with what has become a recurring theme on our site (along with repeated complaints from people with tin ears defending the musical merits of Bon Jovi—we’ll continue to argue for the ‘nay’ side, if we sense the Jersey chuckleheads have even a puncher’s chance of landing in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame), we’ve decided to once again, en masse, showcase our lists, fittingly enough, in list form. Here are 10 of our Top 10 Lists (they’re not strictly ‘10′ each time, sometimes they’re 7, 8, 20…basically we pick a number of the top of our heads, kinda like psychics when they’re getting a reading on your date of birth).
At last count, there are well over 60 on this site, maybe more and to the best of our knowledge (we’ve yet to hear back from queries sent to MADD), nobody has ever attempted a DUI Songs List. If you’re on a road trip, may we suggest US State Songs while you fire empties out the window on the interstate? Enjoy and we’ll see you soon.
Jesus Songs
Legends about a one-for-one swap of a soul for musical proficiency
abound. (though the guy who plays the spoons and passes around a hat at
the bus depot might’ve sold his for a ticket to Cleveland) Such is the
extraordinary power of song that nobody, say, sells their soul to
become taller and better looking. [for more click here]
Hangovers. Ah yes, when the glorious lies you were telling last night come crashing into the truth of today’s terrible reality. They are nature’s way of reminding you that life is not really as enjoyable as you might have thought when you were slow dancing with the vacuum cleaner and summoning another round of margaritas. [click here for more]
NBA Names
As anyone who’s been stuffed into a locker knows, athletes are bigger
and stronger than anybody else and there is no better example of this
than basketball, where even the average player can set a drink on top
of the head of the biggest guy you know and if he objects, punt him in
the ass with a giant shoe not seen outside the confines of a circus
big-top. [click here for more]
As the poster says, it's for killin' on the cheap
Movie audiences have become more sophisticated. It’s pretty difficult to shock, or unclench the folded arms of even the most jaded viewer. Of course, shouting “fire” in a crowded theater, if you can still find one that is, usually does the trick. (Theaters have pretty much emptied out of late due to a profound dissatisfaction with what’s being offered and by the ability to download what’s being offered, despite how dissatisfied you might be, a few days after it’s been released).
While past audiences were wowed when somebody punched out a horse in a western, they’ve come to demand a little more these days when excessive force not seen outside the confines of a corrupt police precinct, is doled out on screen.
Pre-1930s, before the entire color spectrum could be used to fully showcase bloodletting, filmmakers had to rely on the “pop” of a pistol and the victim crumpling over like they’ve just ingested bad luncheon meat. Of course, the other way to do the job was the ol’ knife in the back and protracted death scene, but not protracted enough that the killer’s identity could be whispered in the detective’s ear with a last gasp.
Since the Motion Picture Association of America started doling out R ratings, all the better to catch a glimpse of the occasional boob on screen, so many different tools have been used to dispatch people whose story arc has come to a close, and whose last words in the script are (barring any unnecessary flashbacks): ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Modern cinema has since become so degraded that backing over someone with your car, or toppling them into a giant vat of sulfuric acid, is almost “pistols-at-dawn” quaint. In fact, the contemporary version of pistols at dawn means being riddled with point blank machine gun fire in front of your howling infant son, granny, wife and daughter before an elaborate tap routine is performed on your dead corpse.
Even the tools of the tree surgeon trade have become passe, as it’s better to use something handier than risk industrial deafness or emptying out your half liter tank before the town virgin can be dispatched with that chainsaw.
The following movies went above and beyond your run-of-the-mill eye gouging, fencepost impaling or hurling someone off the edge of the nearest cliff after they’re doused with kerosene and lit ablaze. So, hot on the heels of our Top 10 Horror Films that Feature Murderous Monkeys (some of whom are probably capable of using the tools we describe here) we bring you…Part I of…
Ten Unique Implements That Have Killed People in Horror Movies.
As anyone who’s been stuffed into a locker knows, athletes are bigger and stronger than anybody else and there is no better example of this than basketball, where even the average player can set a drink on top of the head of the biggest guy you know and if he objects, punt him in the ass with a giant shoe not seen outside the confines of a circus big-top.
Not just in sports but in life, being taller has its advantages—better pay, a greater likelihood of becoming president than if you were a leading light in the airborne half of the national dwarf tossing circuit, a magnet to attractive women, but all of these benefits are literally short-lived — you’ll notice there are no 8-foot-tall geriatrics. At some point your knees give out, and you spend the rest of your short life being carted around in a giant sled by a grumbling lot of the aforementioned dwarfs, now retired.
In every other sport, being tall is, much like our stock market investments of late, an issue of diminishing returns. Big fighters have to punch down, then face the embarrassment of being bested by someone who looks like they shop in the children’s department,
too tall baseball players have a massive strike zone and giant tennis
players, like the vending machine that’s stolen your quarters, lack
lateral mobility. In basketball however, the sky (and the constraints
of modern eugenics) is the limit and players can enjoy a lengthy career
if they’re tall enough— even if their posteriors climate control the
end of the bench for league minimum.
Being able to put your teacher in a headlock, shave and duck under subway doors in 7th
grade has got to make those formative years tough— but when you combine
being the gangly ostrich who people are always asking for piggyback
rides along with a name that does what would have seemed impossible and
makes you stand out even more, well we’re surprised that these guys
didn’t end up in prison, or say professional wrestling.
Like our Best NFL Names
list, rather than careful examination of hard-court minutiae, which you
could get from the bore at the end of the bar, but only if you promised
to buy him a round (a conversation which would glaze over the eyes of
even the most habitual dope smoker, i.e., any starter on a typical NBA
team), we figured we’d highlight one of two areas over which ballers
had no control—not their pituitaries, but their names. We’ve scanned
current rosters, examined every bench and have dubbed the following the
Best Names in the NBA!
10) Roko Ukic (Rock-o Ooh-Kitsch) (Toronto Raptors)
A
custom coffin would be required for this stiff, an obscure backup on
the Toronto Raptors, who, in keeping with their name, are perennially
on the verge of extinction. The Dinos once boasted the worst sports
uniforms (right) since the Houston Astros of the 1970 / 80s
(Warning: turn down the glare on your monitor first. Clearly, Nolan
Ryan got all those strikeouts by dazzling the batters with his terrible
duds).
Roko Ukic sounds like dialogue from Quest for Fire and his middle name ‘Leni’, the guy slurping cream of mushroom down at the soup kitchen. Not to be confused with Beno Udrih.
His name is satisfying to pronounce and could be used as a mantra for
meditation. “In with the good air: Rock-o. Out with the bad:
Ooh-Kitsch.” He was given the No. 1 to wear in what must have been an
ironic slight on the part of Raptors management as empty beer
containers chucked from the stands after an inevitable Toronto loss see
more court time than this guy.
9) Royal Ivey (pronounced Roy-AL) (Philadelphia ‘76ers)
Ivey was given what we’d think would be one of the worst nicknames you could get that wasn’t describing a bodily function — “Cheese” by his teammates. The name had little to do with body odor or the fact that he pairs nicely with crackers and a good bottle of wine –it was derived from the infamous bit of Pulp Fiction dialogue involving a Royale with Cheese. As usual, we prefer the Simpsons parody:
Lou: at McDonald’s you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don’t call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out! Well, what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese, but, uh, do they have Krusty partially gelatinated non-dairy gum-based beverages? An Ivey League name here.
Royal also has the benefit of having two first names to choose from. Depending on who is on the other end of the line — be it girlfriend, wife, or creditor — he could go by Roy, or Al. This is to be preferred over hyphenated names like Billy-Bob etc.
8) Travis Outlaw.(Portland Trailblazers)
In
a league dominated by more gunslingers than an NRA banquet (where if
the food arrives cold, you don’t have to tell the waiter twice) it’s
fitting that there’s a guy running the court who sounds like they’d say
‘this town ain’t big enough for the both of us’, which might be true as
he’s 6′9 and well over 200 lbs. Like many on this list, Outlaw seems to
have a hang-up when it comes to some good old fashioned law-breaking,
though we’re hoping one day he lives up to his excellent moniker.
7) Stromile Swift / Rasual Butler (Stro-mile and Ra-sue-uhl) New Jersey Nets/New Orleans Hornets
During Muhammad Ali’s famous pummelling of poor Ernie Terrell he taunted, ‘what’s my name?’ and if Stomile or Rasual goaded their opponents similarly the answer would be ‘huh’? Our
names, Noel and Christopher are derived from the nativity of Christ and
one who carried him (origin French and Greek, respectively) but it’s
great that there are parents unbound by historical/cultural precedent
(and what might be typos at city hall) to spirit lists like these,
although pound for pound, nobody can touch the ones in the NFL. [For
our Top 10 List of NFL Names, click here].
Stromile’s name sounds like a constipation treatment, while Rasual
(unfortunately does not rhyme with Casual, otherwise it might be No. 1)
Butler once appeared in a music video by the rapper Trina, in which he thankfully, given his size, did not dance.
6) Luther Head.Houston Rockets
His assistant coaches and agent have probably unfortunately said “You’ve gotta give head a chance”. We really need to stop this one here.
5) Rudy Gay / Quincy Douby - Memphis Grizzlies/Sacramento Kings
Some might say that putting a guy on this list because his last name is “Gay” or his surname is 70s slang for a joint is both childish and cheap. Well some of the greatest laughs of our lives were had on the schoolyard at other people’s expense, so we don’t mind being called childish, and as for cheap, the extra-value meals at Denny’s are also cheap and they, quite frankly, are delicious. Rudy Gay is 6′8 and weighs 222 lbs, which makes him big enough to be his own float at a pride parade. Out of all the players in the NBA, YouTube inexplicably sought him out for a promotion that has the most questionable name of any sporting competition we can think of: The Rudy Gay Slam Dunk Contest.
The
film Rudy, meanwhile, is about a runt with negligible athleticism who
lands a spot on the Notre Dame football team, an inspiration to Mr Gay
if he’d been born short and white—which would crush anyone’s NBA dream.
According to Josh Howard,
meanwhile, ‘most of the players in the league use marijuana’. He didn’t
specify if it was during the game, but that would explain the basement
crawlspace-dwelling Oklahoma City Thunder.
4) OJ Mayo Ovinton J’Anthony Mayo.Memphis Grizzlies
A decade ago, Michael Jordan famously
made the life of Bryon miserable, hitting a game-winning shot over Mr.
Russell and during the series, erroneously referring to him as ‘Byron’
during interviews, (which was Bryon Russell’s
own fault for not using a more conventional spelling of his name). The
same thing would never happen with Mayo, as if you were matched up
against him, you’d think ‘Oh yeah, there’s that (finally) convicted
felon, French condiment guy’. Anyone named OJ should have a killer
crossover and knife their way through the opposition, and with this,
we’d like to finally bid adieu to all those cheap gags relating to OJ
Simpson (for now…). And then there’s his surname, that jar of
spreadable fat that will send you to an early grave. All in all, a
tough handle to handle.
3) Von Wafer Houston Rockets
First, we did not needlessly truncate the name of a European player just to save on keystrokes. This guy’s complete name is Von Wafer, not Albrecht Hapsburg Wafer of Saxony. A wafer is a very thin, dry biscuit that crumbles easily, not exactly a name that’ll strike earthly fear into opponents in the western conference unless they have horrible memories of Holy Communion. ‘Von’, is short for ‘Vakeaton’, which sounds like something that was trimmed out at the editing phase when L Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetics.
2) Nene (Born Maybyner Rodney Hilario) Denver Nuggets
One
word names are mostly uncommon in professional sports because no sane
athlete would want to be associated with the primadonnas — and in one
case a Madonna – who go by only one name like Cher, Enya, and the
worst offender of all, Sinbad. (Even worse are those who have a
repeated first name. We’re talking to you Zsa Zsa Gabor and Boutros Boutros Ghalli).
But we can understand perfectly well why “Nene” did it. He was born
with the name Maybyner Rodney Hilario, and even if you move different
parts of that name around, it still doesn’t improve it. ‘Nene’
then is a huge improvement, even if it’s voiced with a tongue sticking
out on the schoolyard after pelting the fat kid with snowballs at
recess.
1) Carlos Boozer Utah Jazz (in first pic)
We reckon this name might have come up when we were thinking of alternative titles for our book The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery.
Certainly it’s a thematic fit for us and while we have no idea whether
Mr. Boozer lives up to his name, we’d like to think he does. Basketball
needs more spare-tire sporting, slow moving tipplers who might not be
the first one’s to the ball, but who will make your eyes water with the
100-proof seeping out of their pores.
Amazingly, CB is the second ‘Boozer’
to have ever played in the NBA, the first being Bob Boozer, who has the
interesting distinction of having a street named after him in Omaha,
Boozer Drive — which we don’t encourage you to do [Check out our Top 10 Driving and Driving Songs of All Time: Contents May Shift in Transit].
Honorable mentions to Thaddeus Young (Thaddeus Griffin, from the Family Guy pictured here), Rajon Rondo, Cuttino Mobley…this is not an exact science.
Honorable mentions to the ALL RESTAURANT NBA TEAM: OJ Mayo, Morris Almond, Von Wafer, Brian ‘Veal’ Scalabrine (actually a scallopini) , Royal (”Cheese”) Ivey, Brandon Bass, Brian Cook, Eddy Curry, Channing Frye, Corey Brewer, Ronnie Brewer, John Salmons, and Calvin Booth.
Generally, it’s well known that more ear pleasing noises can be heard at a hog-calling contest for the hearing impaired than your average karaoke bar.
Now, there are some songs that take a certain amount of panache to bring down the house and avoid being drowned out by some depressed drunk firing coins into the jukebox to hear the real thing. The sonic heights of Bohemian Rhapsody, for one, are best attempted in the confines of the shower provided you close the bathroom window first and don’t own any jittery pets.
With this in mind, if you you are someone given to making more ears bleed than a peckish Mike Tyson, it’s best to call for backup to double the odds that a member of your twosome, even if they ordinarily might not be able to carry a tune without one being strapped to their chest with an explosive device, can handle the sonic load. (With the added benefit of having a partner in crime against musicality, free to refresh your drink during alternating verses)
With four or five pitchers of
stale beer often a performance prerequisite (the equivalent of warm-up
stretching for the average warbler), it’s even that much more important
if you’re going to climb that karaoke mountain, to have a Sonny to your
Cher (and ensuring proper safety precautions as you scale back down it)
so that fewer words are missed scrolling by on the monitor–a level of
skill that might be a precursor to some of the sobriety tests that
might have to be passed later on in the evening. [Editor's note: See The Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time and Top 10 Drinking & Driving Songs of All Time]
Given people’s election fatigue, we figured we’d lighten it up a bit and present the following Top 10 Karaoke Song Duets of All Time,
so that 12 scotch and sodas into your next bachelor party, if you’re
able to convince someone else to share your bad decision-making, you
won’t have to be both Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond for ‘You Don’t
Bring me Flowers’.
10. Picture by Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow.
There are some people who’d say that Kid Rock is a multi-talented
instrumentalist and songwriter and these people would be in attendance
at his family reunion. Generally speaking, someone with migraines,
their head in a vice and getting squash balls shot off their ass cheeks
makes sounds more pleasant to the ear than anything Mr Rock has ever
put out, but the man should be given his due as he’s sporadically
capable of rendering something decent, sort of like when a con grinds
out a license plate.
Paired with Crow, who was once ridden by Lance Armstrong in between Tour de Frances, the lyric “I was off to drink you awaaaaaayy!” will be met with rousing cheers and much stale ale wiped down off the tables.
9. The Girl is Mine, by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. For those of you favoring affirmative action, this ‘up with people’ crowd pleaser (depending on exactly what kind of bar you’re singing in) lends itself to bi-racial performance as Michael Jackson was technically still black when this was performed and you can haul your own black friend out to bring the house down. ['Girl' can even be substituted for 'boy' during the Jacko parts to great applause]
The witching hour is soon upon us, when ‘hell itself breathes out Contagion to this world’, kids are tucked in by Michael Jackson, Donatella Versace wakes up to greet the day as usual and other ghoulish things.
Halloween marks the end of the harvest, or its modern exemplar, snagging a boxed butter chicken before the 7-Eleven closes up shop and even those who are known to wring the last droplet out of that wet blanket, can’t help but get into the otherworldly spirit; even if it means dimming the lights, hunkering down in a basement and carpel tunneling their way through Black Sabbath Guitar Hero and pretending not to hear the knock at the door.
When it comes to costumes, some have withstood both the ravages of time and Second Life avatars, the devils, sexy nurses, vampires, ninjas, Batman & Robin (it’s not difficult to tell which of these pooches is the submissive one and there are few experiences more frightening than the prospect of sitting through the eponymous movie) and for parents stingy with a dollar, ghosts. If you haven’t glanced at a calendar recently and find yourself at a loss for costume ideas, here are a few simple suggestions.
Osama Bin Laden
This culturally insensitive classic is relevant until he’s caught (at this point, when Satan snowmobiles to work) and even a few years after Borat’s catchphrases have outworn their welcome.
Twist: Obama/Osama. This one will likely be popular, especially with the catchphrase, courtesy of the Wasilla Whackjob’s supporters, ‘The only difference between Osama and Obama is BS’ [and at this point, with devotees like this, McCain wishes he could raise his arms above his shoulders to slap himself on the forehead]
Tip: Always on the cutting edge with Times Square hooker references, even though they haven’t been seen there since the mid 90s, the spirit of the comedically deceased David Letterman can also be conjured up with crack about “being found driving a New York City taxicab’
Polluted Body of Water
This one’s easy, if you’ve managed to master the complexity of ‘ghost’. Grab a blue garbage bag, poke a hole for your head and hang soda cans, wrappers, syringes and whatever else you can scrounge out of recycling and go as your favorite polluted body of water, say Lake Ontario or of course, the East River.
Twist: Say you’re the Potomac and make political jokes so obvious, they’d be crumpled up into a ball during Jay Leno brainstorming sessions (and then flattened out and used that same evening). Be prepared for ‘Hey, I can make out Jimmy Hoffa on the bottom’ if you’re the East River.
FORE MORE CLICK HERE!!!
Problem: You are an ugly, obnoxious sociopath shunned by society, even those parts of it with really low standards like the music business, BUT you still want to get laid. The options open to you are few and most of them involve sending money to a broker in Eastern Europe who may or may not be scamming you as he plays the role of cultural ambassador to his cousin Svetlana. The other option is to start a cult.
Throughout history cults have given the demented both a soapbox from which they can preach their babble as well as the ideal opportunity to get their freak on with the deluded folks buying into the particular brand of BS. When it comes to nailing confused strangers, even Club Med places a distant second to cults. If you’re looking to take over the world with your cult, the two most effective tools at your disposal are the strength of the philosophy you’re espousing and sex. Given that the philosophies of most cult leaders are moon-barking insane, sex then becomes an important part of cult life and can be manipulated in one of two ways – you can preach indulgence and “free love”, or you can insist that your members exert strict control over their nether regions, while observing no such control yourself. Either way, you’re getting laid.
Here then is Part One of our list of The Top 10 Horniest Cult Leaders of All Time — those who sexed up their cults good, some for cheap thrills, some for power and some, it would appear, just to give the rest of us some creepy mental imagery.
10.) John Humphrey Noyes “The Oneida Perfectionists”: Like everybody else on this list, John Noyes had an ego of polar-ice-caps-before-global-warming-like proportions. As a young man, he underwent a religious transformation, coming to the conclusion that he was “perfect” because he had surrendered himself to God and therefore anything he did came from his pure heart and was beyond questioning. What “perfectionism” actually meant to him was the ability to act strictly on impulse, with no regard for anyone else. “Upset I booted your poodle into the next poodle district? You would be, you’re not perfect.”
Noyes went about “perfecting” things for the rest of his life. He found marriage to be in need of perfecting when the wife of a close friend 
made a pass at him while the two were out on a garden stroll. Noyes decided the best solution was to formalize the practice of bedding other people’s spouses, and thus the Oneida Community, a 300-person strong wife-swap spectacular, was born. Everybody became married to everybody, so the next time somebody got a bit frisky with ole Noysie on a garden stroll, all bets were off.
Despite being a colossal egomaniac and the kind of guy who outlines a great plan that results in him bedding your wife, he did actually do some good — apparently coining the term “free love,” a boon to retro 60s T-shirt sellers, and being one of the first to advocate “male continence” or what we might call getting off one station early… i.e. the pull-out method. He thus avoided having a massive horde of cult kids running around, whose presence, as any modern-day cult leader will tell you, is sure to send the Feds around snooping.
Noyes disbanded his colony in 1887 and, like many eccentrics before and after him forced to flee American law, he fled to Canada, to Niagara Falls, where he no doubt spent many a meditative moment comparing his own libido favorably to the force of that natural wonder.
!!!!!!!DISCLAIMER!!!!!!! First off, let’s be clear that the authors in no way condone drinking and driving, unless it’s done on a closed course by professionals while filming a car commercial or approaching a club house where you’re not a member and the descent isn’t too steep. Drunken go-karting is to be judged on a case-by-case basis.
The same could’ve been said about our other lists, The Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time
or the litany of other vices we’ve chronicled here, however unlike
someone who’s taken to the nose candy like an anteater grazing, who can
at least be forgiven for the occasional indulgence, drinking and
driving, or as it’s sometimes called, ‘how the hell else am I gonna get
home, walk?’ is quite rightly considered a very serious offense (unless
you’re an actor or some kind of celebrity). However, this doesn’t
prevent us from hopefully one day earning a Wikipedia entry on the
subject of DUI Songs and cornering our little piece of pop culture real
estate by tracking down a few of these and saving you restless nights
poring over Time Life hits compilations from the 1970s–or hours that
could’ve been better spent finding novel ways to waste your company’s
time. 
In this list, we focus on songs whose origin (much like our Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time) came about when someone put pen to paper, mused ‘hmm, maybe I should write what I know’, and thought about that time they tossed a can of Schlitz out onto the interstate. We figured brunch reservations with Pol Pot or whatever else would be on the itinerary should a place be set aside for us in hell, would be our just desserts if we were to say, compile a list of songs TO LISTEN TO WHILE DRINKING AND DRIVING; but since we aren’t, it seems the road ahead is clear (unlike that same road if you’ve been pulled over and trying to explain to the arresting officer that you’re not really drunk, you’re heavily medicated and having one of your ’spells’).
Without further ado, in hopes of being handed editorial reins for Blender’s ‘Moral Decay’ issue, or at least landing a free monthly subscription here are the Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time!
[!!!! Disclaimer!!!! Again, we advocate that NOBODY get drunk and get behind the wheel, unless you're on the set of a Michael Bay movie in which case feel free to take out the director's chair and use a fruit stand for brakes]
10. Lovin’ Cup as performed by the Rolling Stones
During the recording of their seminal Exile on Main St
album, apparently so much heroin was flowing through the French mansion
where recording sessions were taking place that Keith Richards had to
direct his creative energies elsewhere–to songs extolling the virtues
of heavy alcohol abuse. What he left us is arguably one of the finer
songs on the album and a great one to kick off our list here.
“Yes I’m fumbling and I know my car won’t start.
Yes I’m stumbling and I know I play a bad guitar.
Give me a little drink, from your lovin’ cup. Just one drink and I’ll fall down drunk.”
Before beer prices at stadiums got out of hand, and calling into
question the virtue of the left-fielder’s mother became frowned upon,
you could at times find one of us in the stands at a baseball game
(perhaps, during its heyday here when the Blue Jays earned back to back World Series victories. The greatest Jay of all time, was the ass and karate kicking George Bell,).
These days, we hardly ever attend sporting events that aren’t dog-track related, but our memories of baseball, fading as they are due to the brain-shrinking effects of alcohol give us what we feel is the ideal perspective from which to point exactly what is wrong with the sport. It has been said by some observers of the game that baseball is duller than a thrift-store knife, while others have said “Zzzzz…” having already been put to sleep by a game. Being the altruistic sorts we are we’ve decided to share our views on how baseball can be fixed (literally, not in the Olympic boxing, Italian soccer and NBA sense of the term). These can even be implemented before the fat kid from Two and a Half Men or whoever, tosses out the first pitch of the World Series. Here they are: (and R.I.P. to the late, great George Carlin)
1) Put the Manager in Civilian Clothes;
Undoubtedly one of the most embarrassing things in all of sport is the
fact that the baseball manager must wear his team’s uniform. No other
sport has this convention. NBA coaches
are not forced to put on the long shorts and muscle shirts, exposing
their bleach-white legs and spindly arms. NHL coaches put on cheap
suits instead of donning the team’s gear and doing pirouettes at center
ice. Soccer coaches wear Canali and smoke on the sidelines. To each there own, we say, but this has got to stop.[FOR MORE CLICK HERE]
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