15 posts tagged “top 10”
The occasional good looking flasher or 10-car pileup aside, long driving trips are often boring. Drivers usually rule the stereo, realizing just how precious a fiefdom this is when you’re crammed into a giant steel box with five people and no hope of escape that wouldn’t involve serious injury at high speeds. Ask any truck driver and they’ll tell you that if it weren’t for highway strip clubs and strangling the occasional hitchhiker, their jobs would be too dull to tolerate.
Bumper stickers offer a welcome distraction from the drudgery of the open road that doesn’t involve a point system for running over woodland creatures (squirrels, 5 pts, raccoons, 10 and up to maximum points for a bear. Rulebook must be consulted if, say, a giraffe escapes from the zoo and you somehow manage to bring it down with your Toyota Corolla).
Part of the fun with bumper stickers is that many people who aren’t using them to identify where they work or go to school are yahoos. They are somehow affiliated with a cause that a critical mass of people don’t care about or openly repudiate, and they want to share that with everybody mentally finalizing their orders at the McDonald’s drive-thru.
Here we have 7 bumper stickers we’d like to see, starting with a tribute to the man who gave us our most visited blog of all time:
Gamblers rejoice, the NFL season is about to get underway complete with office betting pools, Sunday afternoons spent guzzling beer in lieu of being forced into conversation with your buddies during commercial breaks, and off-field criminal shenanigans that remind you that OJ was not a cricketer.
With its continued ability to make enough cash to keep its monstrous players well fed and then some, the NFL has proven itself to be the best-run sports league in North America (the worst run — probably the wife-carrying one.. haven’t heard from those cats in a while). Hockey has a profile only slightly higher than those diving competitions that measure the circumference of a splash, while baseball records have more asterisks than a fundamentalist-Christian-sponsored transcription of Deadwood.
While the NFL acronym could just as accurately be the “Numerous Felons League, the season remains mercifully short (while the pyramids of Giza, Stonehenge, and Angkor Wat could be torn down and rebuilt in the time it takes a baseball season to run its course) and it is the best sport on which to place a wager and to get drunk watching, preferably in that order if you want to hold onto your cash.
Unlike baseball, with which we have some degree of familiarity—having once dodged one hit out onto the freeway—neither of us has ever been to an NFL game — the nearest team to us in Canada is the Buffalo Bills, and we are not the type to invite misery into our lives willingly (unless we’ve been drinking).
What we might lack in gridiron expertise, we more than make up for in a willingness to pour through the NFL rolls and find 10 names to make sport of here on this list. These are the Top 10 NFL names. In this case “Top” means mostly hilarious names or those we were glad we didn’t have growing up a few neck sizes shorter than the guys on this list (For those of you who missed our first installment, please click here]
Wrong one. The other one is no longer a back up Colon in Steeltown
10. Willie Colon, Pittsburgh Steelers. As long as Colons clog professional sports, this surname will continue to be funny. Harry Colon continues to delight, as his surname-sake and joke butt-end Bartolo Colon. While the Spanish pronunciation is ‘cologne’, like NHL-er Miro Satan (pronounced “Lucifer”), we cannot blame sports fans for pronouncing it as you would if it was attached to “oscopy” (and we encourage them to do so. This all but guarantees that any “Colon” jersey will be heavily marked down in the discount bin).
Suggested Nickname: ‘The Cleanse’, or, if you go with the correct Spanish pronunciation, ‘Cheap’.
9. Fred Weary, Cleveland Browns. Our last list featured Melvin Bullitt and John McCargo, those are the kind of intimidating names football players need. Fred Weary sounds like someone who might need to be taken out behind the stadium by a rifle-wielding coach with a tear in his eye but who knows that Weary’s time has come.
Suggested Nickname: Fred ‘Chronic Fatigue’ Weary, ‘Touch of Sleep’, although some boxer already has this.
The world's oldest looking undergraduate, 90210
8. Will Smith, New Orleans Saints. Will Smith, before he became an A-List actor, was known for getting thrown out the front door of a Bel Air mansion, a gag that became less and less ‘Fresh’, each time it happened to the ‘Prince’ (at least 35). The Hollywood Will has been a celebrity for a long while, and one would think that this guy would go by Billy or something to save confusion. Going by the name Will Smith and being the size of an NFL player would only fool those strippers with really lousy TV reception.
Honorable Mention: Steve Sanders, Arizona Cardinals. Not the guy with the post-collegiate hairline, played by Ian Ziering on Beverly Hills 90210.
Suggested Nickname: Will ‘Incredibly mediocre early 90s Rapper’ Smith. For Sanders, Steve ‘Zip Code’ Sanders.
When historians one day take a look back and criticize us for our barbaric ways, they’ll have to give us credit for at least raising workplace safety standards somewhat from the days of kiddie chimney sweeps and railroad dynamiting duty. With most people safely ensconced in office jobs that will leave them without a muscle in their bodies, put them at risk of stress-related illnesses, and give them the flexibility of giant crabs, at least the risk of awful death on the job is quite low. Indeed, aside from bumping your head when attempting a push-up under a desk, the odds of injuring oneself in the workplace these days are far lower than back in the days when your job was likely to leave you with one less digit to hail a cab.
That’s the case for most of us. There are others, however, who really should not use the playing of workplace safety videos as an excuse to smoke a joint in the emergency stairwell. Their workplace hazards go far beyond an expired egg-salad sandwich in the vending machine. In honor of Labor Day and our heady joy at the fact that “writer” was not included on the list (yet), we salute those who are, according to the Bureau of Labour Statistics, working in the the 10 Most Dangerous Jobs in the US, (in order from “likelier to kill you than unemployment insurance” to “grim reaper-riding-shotgun dangerous”):
10. Garbage Men. A rule of thumb when it comes to dangerous jobs is that if you have to wear a reflective vest and you’re not in a chain gang, well you might consider night school. Since most of us are at work or — more likely — asleep when they do their morning rounds, we usually don’t take notice unless they get fussy about disposing a hollowed out grand piano that goes on to become a curb decoration or if they throw a strike and bring a major city to its knees with insane demands like having their unused sick days converted to cash and tacked onto their retirement payout. But given the stuff we’ve thrown out after particularly good parties, we do not envy them their jobs — or the fact that the best representation of their work in the arts was on the sitcom Roc.
Cost Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Everything.
But On the Plus Side: See above. Get in a particularly good union and a public health crisis will be in the making as crap gets dumped into city parks while you refuse to work and squander the goodwill of the public. AND they get to use hydraulic lifts to haul the trash. What’s next? Potpourri in the glove box?
9. Farmers and ranchers. Some of the contents of microwave food boxes stuffed in your refrigerator that will still be edible when the sun blinks out comes from the toil of the honest farmer. These good folk are the salt of the earth, and apparently the fathers of some very promiscuous young ladies if the jokes about them are to be believed. Whether it’s a cow that objects to your cold hands on its udder giving you a kick in the head or a piece of heavy machinery putting an end to being able to test which way the wind is blowing on a fairway, farming is hard and dangerous work.
Cost Benefit Analysis:
Cons: You inspired some of Steinbeck’s drearier work. According to the Insurance Journal, it’s more dangerous than even mining, which, had it inspired Steinbeck instead, would’ve meant a Hemingway-like end.
But on the Plus Side: Workplace casual means shit-kicker boots. Plus Willie Nelson loves you.
8. Electrical repairs. This is another occupation taken for granted unless the power goes out while you’re under anesthetic. When Fluffy the Siamese cat meets a transformer — the kind not under the hackneyed direction of Michael Bay — the first one on the scene, or maybe the second after the fireman with a putty knife for feline scraping, is the electrical technician. While window washers, construction workers, or the guy teetering on the top rope in a WWE pay-per-view need only fear gravity, electrical workers scale power lines during inclement weather at all hours of the day or night and risk not only falling but electrocution and encounters with rabid squirrels.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Don’t need to commit pre-meditated murder in the United States to know what the electric chair feels like.
But on the Plus Side: Panoramic views, stealing cable and getting mileage out of jerking around like you’ve just been electrocuted to scare passersby.
7. Roofers. If you’ve ever wanted to inhale tar during the warmest months of the year and instead of holding the sign that says ‘Slow’ on a seldom traveled overpass for union pay, you’d rather risk plummeting off a roof (and have just been released from a stint in the state pen), have we got the lax background check occupation for you. Comprised of minds more warped than the than the cut-rate shingles they slap on for an inflated price, this is the place to drop off an application once you’ve stashed the orange jumpsuit.
Cost / Benefit Analysis:
Cons: Mostly ex ones do this job.
But on the Plus Side: Minimal background checks, you get to be outdoors after all that time spent scratching out the days on your cell wall, and you can wave hello to your parole officer as he passes by on the street.
Funny Top 10 lists are wildly popular… We discovered this in a list of 10 Things that are Wildly Popular.
We started our site to follow on in the path laid down by our first book, a humorous collection of drinking-related feats of grandeur called The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death: and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery (Penguin), but soon branched out into lists, some of which, like our Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time, had never been attempted before.
The ones that we’ve run on this site have brought us thousands upon thousands of eyeballs, like some grotesque Dali painting; so, to meet everyone’s needs, like a brothel in a Walmart, we decided to offer a one stop shop for each and every one of our lists, just in case you might have missed a few (if you have, you needn’t worry. Much like if you missed a day for your prescription meds, you can double up on the dose to catch up).
Here is a collection of our most recent lists so that our readers can mosey up to the drive-thru window and remark upon just how much free entertainment we’ve brought you over the years (if you’re feeling especially generous, we are happy to accept gifts provided we don’t have to pay the postage—so what we’re saying is, cash is preferred).
So, in no particular order, we present to you our fave Top 10 Lists (we realize some of these lists may not involve 10 items, but for every one that comes in under that number, we’ve got several that go well over so at the very least, they AVERAGE ten and besides, this is not an express check out line at the supermarket).
“The subway, unless you’re stuffed into one in Japan by a cop mime, provides relative comfort. A gauge of a city’s sophistication (unless it’s Cleveland), there are 15 cities in North America with light rail/subway systems, and we’ve had the opportunity to try out four of them and on only two occasions, saw someone urinating on a platform—which are pretty good odds, all things considered, given the relatively small circumference of a drunk’s indiscriminate pissing.” [click for more]
“Astrology adherents believe we all fall into one of 12 basic character groups depending on the alignment of the stars at the time we made our screaming, messy debuts in this world. In a bid to get people to cough up more than the cost of their newspapers, astrologers are capable of complicating this basic setup with a cosmic breakdown of exactly where the universe was at when you were born with moons waxing and waning and more stars going into their ascendancy than after a no-tell weekend at a Hollywood producer’s house.” [click for more]
“The French poet Jacques Prevert (and no, that is not a typo; he apparently got there ahead of the perverts), once said: “Art is never chaste. It ought to be forbidden to ignorant innocents, never allowed into contact with those not sufficiently prepared. Yes, art is dangerous. Where it is chaste, it is not art.” Well these are unchaste works that came into contact with many people who were not sufficiently prepared; most of these would probably have even drawn a “Sacre Bleu!” from Prevert himself.” [click for more]
“We are big fans of Kitchen Nightmares, not the kind that wake you up sweating through the sheets and reaching for antacids (what would likely transpire after a repast prepared by either of us) but the Chef Gordon Ramsay reality show.” [click for more]
“Please memorize every single one of these rules and never forget them. They will make your elevator-riding experience shorter and more enjoyable. Also your fellow elevator passengers will not despise you with every fiber of their being.”[click for more]
“The economy is in the commode. Those who still have jobs are dropping from ulcers as they think of reasons to justify their exclusion from the next purge. Cardiac surgeons are clocking overtime like hookers at Mardi Gras, but there’s one group, who, if you were to take a sample member and measure his pulse it would read, “Dude…”These are your stay-at-home bums.” [click for more]
“Just when you thought it was safe to venture into the barn again,
after Bessie’s ozone layer destroying farts and Mad Cow disease, along
comes the swine flu – the latest assault on humanity perpetrated by a
creature most commonly seen on breakfast plates.” [click for more]
In The Bucket List, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson get out the blue box which has been attracting flies and recycle every character the duo have ever played in the last twenty years: the kindly, patriarchal, advice-dispensing gentleman and the cantankerous, wise-cracking cacker.
When diagnosed with terminal cancer, the twosome, sensing the scythed one is pulling into the driveway, decide to fulfill an ultimate ‘to do’ list. This appalling film, which might’ve put the careers of these two gentlemen into the earth as well, luckily, failed to make a dent in people’s enjoyment of lists of all stripes (the old advice-dispensing patriarchal black gentleman would certainly fit into a Top 20 Movie Clichés list). This is a good thing, as we’ve spent an inordinate amount of time writing Top This and That lists and would hate to think all that hard work might have been better spent doing something more socially constructive-organizing a parade or signing a petition to curb parade noise.
Since launching The Shark Guys in October of 2007, hot on the heels of our book, The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery, we’ve arranged a good number of these hierarchies for your reading pleasure. These initially adhered to our book’s theme, drinking, such as our Top 10 ‘Bar’ Songs of All Time, but gradually branched into other areas as well. For those of you who haven’t suffered some kind of left-hemisphere trauma, you’ll note that some of these lists are reproduced in our site’s right column, but not all, so we figured we’d remedy that here. Now, as luck would have it, as of August 08, we’ve done 10 lists such lists. So here are our Top 10 List.
Top 10 ‘Bar’ Songs
We recognize that these songs played in bars make an important
contribution to one’s elbow-tilting atmosphere, however, we reckon that
enough attention has been paid to every one of them. What we’d like to
focus on instead are songs that are actually set in bars. The writers
of these songs, for the most part, were the sort who followed the
advice of “Write what you know”; they looked around, saw that they were
in a bar and wrote the following. [click here for more]
Top 10 Coolest Bartenders of All Time
Hollywood, not surprisingly, has introduced us to some truly memorable
drunks – think Billy Bob Thornton in “Bad Santa”, or, far creepier and
more likely to cause you to wake yourself up screaming, Gary Busey in
“Carny”. But what of the men and women on the other side of the bar,
patiently stomaching the hero’s bravado and slinging the drinks that
fuel his adventures? [click here for more]
Top 10 Jesus Sightings of All Time
An English pub drinker had a religious experience of sorts recently.
The Daily Mail reported on how a taxi driver ordered a bottle of cider
and “got goose pimples” when the waitress opened it and staring back at
him from the foil on the neck was the face of Christ himself. “His
appearance at the British pub was only the latest stop on an unorthodox
tour; the Nazarene has popped in for a visit via some unlikely, and
occasionally delicious, places over the past few decades. [click here for more]
25 Horrible Bands Named after Places
Much like hypertension or obesity are predictors for cardiovascular
disease, geography is a measure for determining whether a band’s music
will make you want to cover your ears. Before you pen a terse letter to
your city councillor, we’re not referring specifically to where a band
might be from, but one whose name is geographic in origin. [click here for more]
Lists
are wildly popular. Whether they’re to-do lists, celebrities you’d
sleep with if their publicist wasn’t looking, no-fly lists, hit lists,
laundry lists or disabled lists (roll calls backstage at the Jerry
Lewis Telethon), lists are undoubtedly popular. You might have noticed
we’ve devoted an inordinate amount of time to lists on the site, time
that could’ve been spent doing something more productive—organizing a
parade or launching a petition to curb parade noise.
The lists we’ve compiled here are not Seven US Presidents who Had Clubbed Feet or the Largest Living Reptiles Who’ll Eat your Pets if You’re Not Careful—you know, those yellowing almanacs you flip through when you’re depositing the last remnants of Larry’s House of Refried Beans into a basement commode. Instead, like a coin laundry cycle, we’ve put our own spin on various lists, the vast majority of which have never been done before (and if they have, well, ideas cannot be copyrighted only their expression so those people are shit out of luck).
In keeping with what has become a recurring theme on our site (along with repeated complaints from people with tin ears defending the musical merits of Bon Jovi—we’ll continue to argue for the ‘nay’ side, if we sense the Jersey chuckleheads have even a puncher’s chance of landing in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame), we’ve decided to once again, en masse, showcase our lists, fittingly enough, in list form. Here are 10 of our Top 10 Lists (they’re not strictly ‘10′ each time, sometimes they’re 7, 8, 20…basically we pick a number of the top of our heads, kinda like psychics when they’re getting a reading on your date of birth).
At last count, there are well over 60 on this site, maybe more and to the best of our knowledge (we’ve yet to hear back from queries sent to MADD), nobody has ever attempted a DUI Songs List. If you’re on a road trip, may we suggest US State Songs while you fire empties out the window on the interstate? Enjoy and we’ll see you soon.
Jesus Songs
Legends about a one-for-one swap of a soul for musical proficiency
abound. (though the guy who plays the spoons and passes around a hat at
the bus depot might’ve sold his for a ticket to Cleveland) Such is the
extraordinary power of song that nobody, say, sells their soul to
become taller and better looking. [for more click here]
Hangovers. Ah yes, when the glorious lies you were telling last night come crashing into the truth of today’s terrible reality. They are nature’s way of reminding you that life is not really as enjoyable as you might have thought when you were slow dancing with the vacuum cleaner and summoning another round of margaritas. [click here for more]
NBA Names
As anyone who’s been stuffed into a locker knows, athletes are bigger
and stronger than anybody else and there is no better example of this
than basketball, where even the average player can set a drink on top
of the head of the biggest guy you know and if he objects, punt him in
the ass with a giant shoe not seen outside the confines of a circus
big-top. [click here for more]
Ironic sentiments from a hypnotist
It’s been said that “Those who can do, do and those who can’t do teach”. There are also “those who can’t do, would rather not teach, see a chance to earn a quick buck and then join the public speaking circuit”.
It’s not surprising then, that the first place you’re likely to encounter a motivational speaker is a high school auditorium. Armed with laser pointers and talk of carpe diem as a life affirming alternative to carpe capitulum and shoving it into a toilet bowl, they’re welcome relief from Macbeth slog-throughs, the Magna Carta or quadratic equations—but then again, so is a fire drill.
Regardless of how big the ratio of ‘those who’ve taken machine shop to those who haven’t’, talk will habitually focus on what the audience wants to do with their lives—which is inevitably anything but what an unctuous, easy-answer peddling clown in a headset does.
And when you cracked that Coconut College nut,
guess who’ll happen by, flow charts in hand over a two-hour lunch when
you’d rather be catching an afternoon buzz with co-eds or nodding off
in the library?
Yep, it’s the same motivating horde unleashed to show you that your degree in Early Childhood Education is worth the crayon it’s written in—and that you should strike while the iron is hot, reach for the brass ring and yes, seize the day when you’d sooner be seizing them by the lapels and punting them out the nearest open window.
Some of these motivational speakers have made lucrative careers
motivating people to sign up for an expensive seminar or buy rip-off
DVDs. To anyone who’s suffered these Up with People types, please join
us in an ‘Up yours’ as we Sicilian salute 10 Annoying Motivational Speakers. [For the Top 5 Click Here]
10. Stedman Graham.
Stedman Graham is chairman and CEO of S. Graham & Associates, but
is better known as the guy who’s backed up the Brinks truck to Oprah’s
Chicago penthouse as well as her straight alibi. Well, we’re not buying
it, nor are we forking over his multi thousand dollar speaking fee,
usually commanded by captains of industry, multiple gold medal winning
Olympians or former presidents. According to our research the
“best-selling author and businessman, shares his insight into how
participants can…cultivate their potential, expand their opportunities
and empower themselves to participate at all levels of leadership and
organizational development.” With these choice words, Stedman can’t be
written off easily, except one hopes, at tax time. [For our take on his
amour, please see our Oprah Weighs 200 Lbs: Lock up your Cupboards]
9. Jim Helwig.
Known for four moves when he wrestled as The Ultimate Warrior (if you
count shaking the ring ropes) he turned to the lecture circuit and
opined that “queering doesn’t make the world work”.
His motivating, unsurprisingly, ended there so he turned to the web
where he writes: “there are approximately 127 million adults in the
U.S. who are overweight, 60 million obese, and 9 million severely
obese. And what about all the other millions who do not do any exercise
at all and miss out on the great life-quality benefits. What’s missing?
Same thing that is always missing. The unvarnished truth and people’s
unwillingness to accept it. My Warrior Workout START Kit is the truth.”
8. Shazzie. Her ‘Superfood’ spiel begins with a portentous “We have made ourselves living cesspools and driven doctors to invent names for our diseases”, a quote from Plato, a guy who was about a dozen and a half centuries away from knowing how blood circulated through the human body. The ‘Superfoods’ peddler then lashes out a at a dietitian critic with a wild ad hominem attack. (Re: a national TV appearance) “As I was in a different studio at the time I couldn’t see her, but… the way she looks compared to the way I look, proves everything. Super foods are for real”. If that argument didn’t sway you, try this one on for size: “My intuition strongly tells me that we’ve been introduced to exotic superfoods at a critical time in our evolution” and later “our return to paradise is unfolding before our very eyes”. Yep, the garden of Eden all by snacking on dandelions but make sure the family pet hasn’t beaten you to them first with a raised hind leg.
To drinkers, St. Patrick’s Day is an occasion that holds an almost religious significance. In fact, some drunk in a bar many St. Patrick’s Days ago once told us that the occasion was rooted in some sort of Catholic tradition. He described a highly improbable scenario involving snakes having infested Ireland, and a saint named Patrick coming along to drive them out like some sort of pest control superman. Being that this entire business reminded us of an awful Jon Voight serpent movie out of theaters by then that we had hoped to put out of our minds as well, we proceeded to move to the other end of the bar.
The Guinness brewery has been pushing the idea of making St. Paddy’s an official holiday, and we are all for it, but even if they’re not successful, to us St. Patrick’s Day still has a special status — we call it “Drunk’s Easter” — and it would be a disservice to our readers and a slight on the Irish ancestry of one of the authors if we did not pay tribute to this day by stopping on our way to the bar to offer some suggestions on how you can put the “Irish” back into your St. Patrick’s Day celebration:
1) Spike your Morning Starbucks’: When ordering your ultra-venti sized iced raspberry frozen frappucino chai cum latte on the morning of St. Patrick’s Day be sure to dump half of it on the floor and top up the remainder with delicious Bailey’s Irish Crème – the perfect coffee companion (Irish Whiskey is also acceptable, although it might be a bit hard on the stomach first thing in the morning — remember you only want to approach stomach-pump drunk by night’s end, so you need to pace yourself). While on most days this would raise the ire of more than one Starbucks “partner”, on St. Patrick’s Day it shows them that you know how to enjoy yourself. Another option, suggested by LAist, is doing the same to liven up a bit of the tasteless spearmint-flavored concoction known at McDonald’s as “The Shamrock Shake”.
It
used to be that having a pet chimpanzee was a sign of enviable wealth.
A golden retriever was okay if you were middle-class and owned a
gazebo, but for those who wanted something better in the 1980s, a pet
chimp was a must. And what transpired in those early days of Michael
Jackson’s untroubled bliss with Bubbles never made us question the
practice. Elizabeth Taylor never had her face torn off during a trip
to Neverland.
We have since learned, however, that owning primates as pets means taking on more responsibility than officiating wedding ceremonies between them as you ask “Daisy” if she takes “Skippy” to be her lawfully wedded poop-flinger, to have and to hurl poop at. In our book, TMWSASTDAOTTODD (the acronym-unfriendly The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death and Other True Tales of Drunken Debauchery–and incidentally, no apes were harmed in the writing/editing of that work… none that didn’t deserve it anyway) we recounted an instructive tale of what can happen when you go on vacation and leave behind a chimp with an unlocked liquor cabinet.
Shark Guy Noel lives in Bangkok, an hour’s drive from two cities where they let monkeys run wild and he has had enough 7-11 bags snatched from his hands by psychotic, hissing monkeys to know these creatures are not the types that you can put dresses on and force to reenact Romeo and Juliet for 10 cents on the dollar in a public park with electric prods for punishment and food for both nourishment and reward.
Following the horrific story
of how a woman was mauled by a pet chimp, we are coming to terms with
the fact that chimps are more than just our close genetic cousins with
more body hair than a Speedo-clad beachgoer who could stand a trip to
Brazil. Letting a chimp loose in your house is akin to letting
something go wild that is five times stronger than any human being you
can imagine, and one with the moral compass to not distinguish between
a coconut and your head.
"Put your hands behind your head! With your hands up, walk backwards toward the sound of my voice.”
As Franz de Waal who we quoted in our book says:
“The chimpanzee has strength for a human that is utterly incomprehensible….Chimpanzee males have been measured as having five times the arm strength as a human male….And the adult males, like Travis—unless his were filed down—have big canine teeth. So you have a very dangerous creature in front of you that is impossible to control.”
The 2 percent genetic difference between us and primates is comprised mainly of muscle and insanity. Hollywood has made its own case for why we should fear the furry ones. We’re not talking about Bedtime for Bonzo, we’re talking no bedtime ever because Bonzo has already gored the family. Here are the Top 10 Murderous Monkey and Pissed off Primate Films…
As we noted in our Top 10 Bar Songs of All Time, many musicians have adopted the ‘write what you know’ credo, and given that they spend a considerable part of their waking hours in taverns (this isn’t nearly as much as it seems as they sleep in until well into the late afternoon), they looked around, put pen to paper gave us the decomposed remnants of organic matter from which our Top 10 List could grow.
If you’ve taken this ‘write what you know’ phrase to heart (even though it’s more worn than a yogic flier drawers), and find you’re still staring at a blank screen, you may in fact, not know anything. Luckily, there are plenty of people who can write what they know and who are more than capable of picking up your slack, you lazy, untalented hack.
Some of these people, though not nearly as many as those who’ve found inspiration at the bottom of a beer/wine/whiskey glass, have chosen Mother’s Ruin, as their muse.
Why is that, you ask? Well, gin, simply put, has a lousy reputation and the phrase ‘bathtub gin’ likely came about it’s the first thing that would spring to mind if you had to clean a ring around yours. The juniper berry spirit has its origins in 17th century Holland, where it was believed to alleviate gout and its popularity, not surprisingly, spread quickly, as abandoning a diet rich in fat and booze was beyond comprehension, especially when the antidote could be guzzled cheaply and plentifully from the comfort of one’s armchair. 
The potable soon spread to England, and from there, to mask the flavor of quinine so that English soldiers could spear colonials, unfettered by malarial concerns, while domestically, like reality television or the internet these days, it was blamed for every prevailing social ill. [Editor’s note, a strong case can be made for blaming every prevailing social ill these days, on the internet, please see our Top 10 Drinking and Driving Songs of All Time and Battling the Red Menace: Happy Kick a Ginger Day]
On these shores, and we’d like to think everywhere else, gin forms the basis of the only martini a man should be seen drinking (if you have one with cranberry juice or chocolate, you might consider arranging a fitting for a dress) and as a result, has seen its reputation improve, though you’d never really know it from some of the songs we’ve compiled here. So here, because to the best of our knowledge, it hasn’t been done (and if it has, carpal tunnel has prevented successfully Googling it) is our Top 10 Songs about Gin.
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