Top 10 Best NFL Names (Dick Butkus would approve!)
Being
the kind of guys who would ask the bartender in a sports bar if he
wouldn’t mind changing the channel because “I think ‘Wheel of Fortune’
might be on, and tonight’s Caribbean-themed,” we are likely not the
ones most NFL fans would turn to for commentary or analysis as the
preseason gets underway this weekend. And that’s for the best, because
we aren’t about to offer anything of the sort.We can appreciate
football’s importance to gamblers; after all, without this sport to bet
on, there might be a major-sports-less gap in the year that could see
attendance at dog tracks overwhelm capacity. But for us, the NFL is
just the XFL stripped
of all its glorious theatrics slick production values, and unorthodox
rules that breathed new life into the sport (Reference the decision to
let players put whatever they wanted to on their jerseys, [see left.
That is unfortunately not his given name, though we're not sure if "he"
still hate him or whether he has had a change of heart, and now he
"likey" him]).
So rather than combing through football rosters for information relevant to a player’s on-field performance, or using said info for any useful purpose whatsoever, we’ve instead gone through the ranks to highlight something over which players had absolutely no control: their names. The NFL has given us people with nicknames like William “The Refrigerator” Perry, so called because of his frequent visits to one and also because he looked as close as a human could to one without being robbed of the ability of forward movement and others with names like Man Mountain, which also wasn’t in any way ironic.
Here, however, is a list of gridiron athletes whose given names are
so stellar that they do not need nicknames. Compiled from current NFL
rolls and barring any exploding kneecaps or other assorted football
injuries over the weekend, here, in no particular order, are the best damn legal names currently on a National Football League roster. That’s currently, people, so no waxing poetic about Blood Mcnally tearing up City Stadium in the days before helmets.
10) Ritchie Incognito, St Louis Rams: With a name that makes him sound like the guy who runs the panini shop in a Danny Aiello movie, Ritchie Incognito
of the St. Louis Rams gets the first slot here. After being suspended
indefinitely from two colleges (one wonders if anything short of
tearing off another human’s head could warrant the indefinite
suspension of a star athlete from one American college let alone too),
Incognito has since gone on to become a well paid NFL star, driving
around in a BMW 750 with “23 television screens… including one in his gas cap door.” Alright, it’s only a surname, but come on.
9) Guy Whimper, New York Giants: This one works even better if you choose to pronounce his first name the French way. “Monsieur Guy Whimper”, table for deux!”
While this guy tips the scales at over 300 pounds, and we can imagine
few things more frightening than a guy half the size of a pickup truck
looking to knock us down, one wonders of the psychological effects on
an offensive tackle of having a surname that calls to mind the sound a
cockerspaniel makes when it’s been left out in the rain and wants to
come back inside.